Broken.

I allowed you to break me. And I will never be the same.

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These actually all sound a lot like me.

I’ve been hearing so much around me about astrology, horoscopes and stars aligning… I had to look into it a little since it’s never really interested me before. Surprisingly, most of the attributes attached to my ‘sign’ are fairly accurate. I’m a Capricorn – daughter of Karma, rooted to the Earth, water is the soul.

The daughter of Karma bit, I’m not so sure of.

But being rooted to the Earth makes complete sense in this head of mine. I’ve always felt more grounded just by stepping foot outside and seeing nature. I’ve always been amazed with the way nature and the Earth can move together harmoniously, and then, at times be suddenly so infuriated that it sends catastrophic wavelengths throughout its entire being. Yes, I’m a force to be reckoned with myself.

Water is the soul. Water. Is. Soul. The only thing I can think of that makes this piece make sense is that when I’m near the ocean, my entire body feels at peace.  Anxiety? Gone. Constant thinking? Not here. Sore muscles and bones? Gone. Head filled with doubt? Not anymore. The ocean has been the ONLY thing I’ve ever experienced that has truly given me the sense of being at home with myself and my mind. It helps my head feel clear; it gives me a state of mind in which is what I imagine meditation creates – though instantly, I don’t have to think about it or even try – as soon as I hear and see the ocean it’s like my slate has been instantaneously cleared.

 

Other characteristics I found that I thought were great descriptors of my personality and being:

  • Capricorn’s are shy, cautious people and take a long time to open up their deep feelings and fun side to others. Typically being labeled ‘too serious’ or ‘unapproachable’; however, beneath the tough exterior lies a warm heart wanting to love and be loved
  • An insatiable, yet methodical, desire for knowledge
  • Hard working, sincere and soft-hearted; yet a stickler for quality
  • Misfit often underestimated for their cold nature
  • Rational, logical, intelligent and clearheaded
  • They care what people think, and hate being doubted
  • They try to be an outgoing person but in the first meeting them they come across as very shy and innocent but once get to know they come across as more of a carefree soul
  • Meticulous women who have full knowledge about their strengths and weaknesses
  • They give and demand respect. They believe that everyone should get equal opportunities to build a secure future
  • Concerned with family values
  • Fair and have a strong sense of justice
  • They think deeply and use their logic to explore all plus and minus points before deciding on anything. They will never take impulsive decisions just for the sake of excitement
  • Practical
  • Tend to be too preoccupied with themselves
  • Very reliable
  • Prefer the company of a select few with whom they are on the same wavelengths
  • Old souls with refined tastes
  • Can sometimes be pessimistic and temperamental
  • Needs definitive guidelines
  • Calm, quiet and don’t lose their cool very easily
  • Attentive listener
  • Show a mysterious behavior and can be unpredictable
  • Always have something on their minds
  • Disciplined and are gifted with common sense
  • Never reveal their inner side since they are soft inside and a hard nutshell for the outer world
  • Straightforward and thus don’t like to be shocked or surprised
  • Takes time to get cozy with new surroundings
  • Takes time to adjust because they want themselves to appear polite, and surely they are
  • Productive by nature
  • Simply not built for making promises they can’t keep or accepting responsibilities they can’t deal with
  • They will always try to see things from both perspectives to be able to work on a mutually beneficial solution
  • A bit of a reckless, emotional person who, quite honestly, can’t always think straight
  • They have no interest in being all up in other people’s business
  • Value logic over rainbows and butterflies
  • Extremely devoted and loyal to loved ones
  • Self-aware
  • Self-destructive when insecure
  • Timid
  • Practical, prudent, secretive
  • inhibited
  • Very observant, fascinated by people watching
  • Expect people to be just as trustworthy as themselves
  • Expect more from themselves than anyone else
  • Pushy
  • Defensive
  • Love to be free and independent
  • Temper is often mild unless they disapprove of something – in which case they will not hesitate to express their annoyance
  • Usually have a very silly, playful and enjoyable sense of humor that most don’t get the chance to experience
  • Awkward romantics
  • Loves the concept of love, but it doesn’t come naturally for them
  • Let a Capricorn know from the beginning how you feel and they’ll respect you more – whether it’s what they want to hear or not
  • “Show me disloyalty, I’ll show you detachment”
  • Do their own thing
  • Down to earth
  • Realistic
  • Often quiet and reserved at work – not often the easiest to get to know

These were the ones that really stuck out to me. What other characteristics have you found that fit you as a Capricorn? Does your astrology sign hold any significance to you? Does your sign fit your personality? Do you even care?

 

Life as I know it.

As I sit at work, I slowly feel a panic attack coming on. What did I just do? Did I really just text you, the one constant in my life for the past nine years, and ask you to never speak to me again? Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing?

Say something, I’m giving up on you.

Have I ever meant anything to you? Have you ever been honest about anything at all with me? Was I ever going to break your wall or at least climb it high enough for you to notice me?

I guess I’ll never know. Or do I already know the answer is ‘no’? After nine years of being on the sidelines waiting for you to give me more; just waiting for you to see how much I mean to you and how much you mean to me. I’ve expressed myself a million times over and yet you always act like you don’t understand the reason I go crazy.

I know I will miss you more than anything in my life up to this point. Regardless of how little a part I played in your life, you’ve played an extreme part in mine. Like it or not, see it or not – it’s true. My experiences, love life, day-to-day – everything – has been in some way infected by the thought of you and your interactions with me.

I can’t do it anymore. You drain me. I can’t keep being nothing to my everything. You tell me I’m being dramatic when I say I don’t want you to be with anyone else; when I tell you I want you and just you. I’m slowly stabbing myself in the heart. I don’t blame you, I blame myself. I should have never let my feelings go so far. And while I know I’ve told you countless times, I can’t hold it against you for allowing me to lead myself on this wild goose chase. It’s never-ending.

So today, for the last time, I have to say goodbye. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to the thought of us. Goodbye to every moment we’ve shared. Goodbye to the unknown future that may have involved you. I wish that I could wipe you clean from my head – leaving no memory of you at all. But I guess things happen for a reason. Maybe I just needed you at a vulnerable point in my life. I have no idea how I’ve allowed myself to build you so tall in my head; I feel like I’ve lost myself. You’ve become the haystack and I’m the needle.

I need to get to know myself better. I don’t even know what I like to do anymore. I’ve wasted so much energy and time on trying to be something I thought you could love. But you’ll never love me; I am the gum to your shoe.

Goodbye. Au Revoir. Fair well. Best of luck.

Did I mention?

Did I mention that I really am in the middle of a midlife crisis? I woke up about a month ago and decided I was moving to an island for six months – St Thomas, USVI to be exact.  Why? Because I feel like I haven’t experienced enough life yet and I don’t want living in Minnesota my entire life to be something I regret.  I want to know that this is where I’m meant to be for the rest of my life.  And I just need a break from this corporate office, cubical lifestyle.

Am I going crazy? Possibly.

My cat, two suitcases, and $5,000.00 is all that is coming with me on my adventure.  I have a few possible job leads, but nothing absolute.  I’m just up and quitting my decent corporate job that I may not be able to come back to right away upon my return.  I’m leaving all of my family, friends, and promising relationships behind.  Everyone that I’m close to has said they’ll come visit, but realistically – my family doesn’t even drive 40 minutes to visit me right now.  My longtime half relationship man, he says he’s visiting too, but he won’t have a sleepover anymore and can’t stand being around me for more than three hours in a day.  My friends that all say they’re coming, well some of them I actually believe. But not most.

I think most still doubt me.  I think I doubt myself a little bit still.  What if it doesn’t work out?  What if I completely fail?  What happens if I come back to Minnesota after two months broke and broken?  Is that something I can mentally, and fiscally, repair from? Am I making the right decision?  Is there a right decision?  IS THIS ALL JUST ONE BIG WASTE OF MY TIME AND LIFE??!?!

Who knows, I sure don’t.  But I guess we’ll see.

*Keep an eye on my blog, as I plan to keep updating with my journey*

wanderlust

 

Loneliness

I can’t remember a time that I felt more alone and lonely that I do at this minute. It is Superbowl Sunday and I am home by myself. I don’t really understand how I’ve gotten here. Recently, I just haven’t felt comfortable in my own skin. I’ve been faking happiness I’m trying to be optimistic for too long. I feel like I have no one –  no one to talk to, no one to sit by and just be me. Until today when I got home from lunch, I didn’t realize how sad I actually have become. I long for relationships with people, men specifically, that want nothing to do with me. And I’ve been trying to make them want me for so long that I’ve forgotten Who I am and what I want for myself. Its a stupid situation to put yourself in. And my friends, what friends? I don’t even know who they are anymore. I don’t even know if I have any anymore. There was a time when I was happy. I had friends. I had my family. And I was content with where I was. There’s a famous quote  that says in order for others to want you you have to want yourself. I don’t think I do right now. I don’t know the last time that I did. I have no one to talk to, maybe that’s why I started writing this blog. Not that anyone out there actually reads it. Maybe it just feels like it helps me get it out there, out of my head, off of my shoulders. Anyways, that’s just how I’m feeling today. It’ll get better I know that – I won’t be alone forever, or at least won’t feel this way.

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DIY Canvas Wall art

Another item to add to my Things I’ve Actually Done Because Of Pinterest list! My friend and I had an arts amd crafts day and made these awesome new canvas wall art pieces for my bedroom (and a smaller one for his living room wall). I found  this article on, of course, Pinterest. We basically followed her every step.  The canvases I painter however are 12×24 and we used Martha Stewart’s Any Surface Acrylic Paint – gold metallic and mixed the black and white to create a dark charcoal color for our base. They turned out PERFECT! The color combinations are endless and it’s a super easy project taking under an hour if you use a blow dryer to make sure the paint is dry between coats.

Check mine out:
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Have you done a similar project? Still looking for the perfect bathroom and/or living room wall art ideas!

Love? Never heard of it, even the sound of it offends me.

I’m freshly 27 years old, and while I love many, I’ve never actually been in love. I’ve had one real boyfriend and that was almost 7 years ago, lasted 6 months, and definitely broke my heart – but I can say without doubt that we weren’t in love. I read quotes about love and yearn for it. You know that single girl friend that everyone has, that seems and acts and insists she is OK with being alone and can’t see life any other way? *raises hand* Yes, that’s me… I’m so much more independent than 90% of my friends, my brother and sisters all have families and are ‘in love’.  

 

As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been sleeping with the same man for six and a half years. We’ve had more downs than ups, never been out on a date, and have never even hung out outside of our sexual encounters. We text fight constantly (real mature, right), because in the past two or so years I’ve decided I want more from him. I don’t want anyone else, he can’t indefinitely say he only wants me.  He claims I’m the only one he’s with, but I can feel it in my heart that I’m not. He disappoints me on a weekly basis whether its ignoring my text for half the day (come on, you know you saw that shit), having whore-ish “best friends” on the joke of an app – Snapchat, or just turning down and not reciprocating my feelings. But really, what can I expect? I allowed it to be the way it is for so long, how dare I become attached and, dare I say, fall for him like this. I can still remember the first time we met, as can he, through mutual friends while out of town for a sporting event. We saw eachother for less than 20 minutes at a hotel room party, but saw eachother every once and a while the following year and a half before we ever actually hooked up. None of our friends knew we had even talked. And now, almost seven years later, here we are – he says he’s liked me since day one, is addicted to me, has real feelings and cares about me. I don’t see it. I’ve been waiting for two years for him to realize he wants to be with me or at least give me a chance outside of the bedroom – hang out casually, go to a movie or dinner, or anything. I get nothing. My heart hurts, I can’t help but think that I’m not just infatuated with him anymore; is this love? Is my first time ever falling in love going to ruin it for myself and all possible future suitors? Am I really in love or am I just so over my head in lust? How can so much passion result in nothing? 

 

I’m reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen for the first time and found this to be intriguing:  

 

“It may perhaps be pleasant,” replied Charlotte, “to be able to impose on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely — a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but he may never do more than like her, if she does not help him on.”

 

Our relationships and how we come into them has changed so much. A woman in todays world would be called crazy for showing interest if its not first seen from the man, showing more affection than you feel could kill any sort of relationship there could’ve been before it even starts.  Guarded is apparently the only way to be.

 

Anyways, I’m not at all explaining this the way I intended to and it’s gone in a completely different direction.  And it may not be blog worthy, but it’s all that is on my brain this morning as I sit in bed staring at another text from him asking to see me today. My mind, so weakly, says NO!!! But my heart strings tug on me screaming yes, begging to lay next to him for just a while at least. 

 

I’m done, I have to be… right?