I’m freshly 27 years old, and while I love many, I’ve never actually been in love. I’ve had one real boyfriend and that was almost 7 years ago, lasted 6 months, and definitely broke my heart – but I can say without doubt that we weren’t in love. I read quotes about love and yearn for it. You know that single girl friend that everyone has, that seems and acts and insists she is OK with being alone and can’t see life any other way? *raises hand* Yes, that’s me… I’m so much more independent than 90% of my friends, my brother and sisters all have families and are ‘in love’.
As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been sleeping with the same man for six and a half years. We’ve had more downs than ups, never been out on a date, and have never even hung out outside of our sexual encounters. We text fight constantly (real mature, right), because in the past two or so years I’ve decided I want more from him. I don’t want anyone else, he can’t indefinitely say he only wants me. He claims I’m the only one he’s with, but I can feel it in my heart that I’m not. He disappoints me on a weekly basis whether its ignoring my text for half the day (come on, you know you saw that shit), having whore-ish “best friends” on the joke of an app – Snapchat, or just turning down and not reciprocating my feelings. But really, what can I expect? I allowed it to be the way it is for so long, how dare I become attached and, dare I say, fall for him like this. I can still remember the first time we met, as can he, through mutual friends while out of town for a sporting event. We saw eachother for less than 20 minutes at a hotel room party, but saw eachother every once and a while the following year and a half before we ever actually hooked up. None of our friends knew we had even talked. And now, almost seven years later, here we are – he says he’s liked me since day one, is addicted to me, has real feelings and cares about me. I don’t see it. I’ve been waiting for two years for him to realize he wants to be with me or at least give me a chance outside of the bedroom – hang out casually, go to a movie or dinner, or anything. I get nothing. My heart hurts, I can’t help but think that I’m not just infatuated with him anymore; is this love? Is my first time ever falling in love going to ruin it for myself and all possible future suitors? Am I really in love or am I just so over my head in lust? How can so much passion result in nothing?
I’m reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen for the first time and found this to be intriguing:
“It may perhaps be pleasant,” replied Charlotte, “to be able to impose on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely — a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but he may never do more than like her, if she does not help him on.”
Our relationships and how we come into them has changed so much. A woman in todays world would be called crazy for showing interest if its not first seen from the man, showing more affection than you feel could kill any sort of relationship there could’ve been before it even starts. Guarded is apparently the only way to be.
Anyways, I’m not at all explaining this the way I intended to and it’s gone in a completely different direction. And it may not be blog worthy, but it’s all that is on my brain this morning as I sit in bed staring at another text from him asking to see me today. My mind, so weakly, says NO!!! But my heart strings tug on me screaming yes, begging to lay next to him for just a while at least.
I’m done, I have to be… right?