Life as I know it.

As I sit at work, I slowly feel a panic attack coming on. What did I just do? Did I really just text you, the one constant in my life for the past nine years, and ask you to never speak to me again? Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing?

Say something, I’m giving up on you.

Have I ever meant anything to you? Have you ever been honest about anything at all with me? Was I ever going to break your wall or at least climb it high enough for you to notice me?

I guess I’ll never know. Or do I already know the answer is ‘no’? After nine years of being on the sidelines waiting for you to give me more; just waiting for you to see how much I mean to you and how much you mean to me. I’ve expressed myself a million times over and yet you always act like you don’t understand the reason I go crazy.

I know I will miss you more than anything in my life up to this point. Regardless of how little a part I played in your life, you’ve played an extreme part in mine. Like it or not, see it or not – it’s true. My experiences, love life, day-to-day – everything – has been in some way infected by the thought of you and your interactions with me.

I can’t do it anymore. You drain me. I can’t keep being nothing to my everything. You tell me I’m being dramatic when I say I don’t want you to be with anyone else; when I tell you I want you and just you. I’m slowly stabbing myself in the heart. I don’t blame you, I blame myself. I should have never let my feelings go so far. And while I know I’ve told you countless times, I can’t hold it against you for allowing me to lead myself on this wild goose chase. It’s never-ending.

So today, for the last time, I have to say goodbye. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to the thought of us. Goodbye to every moment we’ve shared. Goodbye to the unknown future that may have involved you. I wish that I could wipe you clean from my head – leaving no memory of you at all. But I guess things happen for a reason. Maybe I just needed you at a vulnerable point in my life. I have no idea how I’ve allowed myself to build you so tall in my head; I feel like I’ve lost myself. You’ve become the haystack and I’m the needle.

I need to get to know myself better. I don’t even know what I like to do anymore. I’ve wasted so much energy and time on trying to be something I thought you could love. But you’ll never love me; I am the gum to your shoe.

Goodbye. Au Revoir. Fair well. Best of luck.

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